Rom Coms

I've probably never told anyone this, but frequently after I turn in for the night, I often stay conscious for about an hour thinking about stuff. After finishing off School Rumble last night I thought about rom coms and why I liked it so much. If you think about it, the reason why people like rom coms is kinda sad; it makes up for the lack of something similar in their life. Don't we all wish that we could have wonderful swept-off-your-feet relationships like those you see in the movies? Or in television series? In reality, it doesn't quite happen that way and the story never quite ends with getting together does it? Then comes the headache of having extra responsibility, extra financial burdens and all the trade-offs that come with companionship, whether good or not. Marriage is in fact less than rosy with all the various tumultuous problems that arise from living together and I guess that's the reason why divorce rates are on the rise, as people start to break away from tradition and go on to seek the best possible welfare for themselves.

The problem therein is people have the wrong idea of love, because movies are so prevalent in our lives today that we tend to mistake it for reality. During the honeymoon period, it's quite common for people to only see what they want to see; the best bits of their partner and when their partner starts squeezing the toothpaste from the top or leaving the toilet seat up after marriage, they get divorced.

Reality is a bummer, isn't it? Don't we all wish that we could have super powers when we watch something like Superman? It would be really great to save people and make a difference to someone's life or rather, many many lives. It would be fantastic to hear people say, hey, that person's really cool. Gosh, I wanna be like him. Then again, it can't be simply making a difference in the lives of others, who wants to be Mahatma Ghandi or Mother Theresa? They were both heroes in their own right, who stepped up to champion a great cause, but in truth, they weren't really idolised for what they did. What do people seek then? It must be that we seek recognition for our deeds. I thought about the reason I photograph as well last night. I've always thought that I photographed only for myself, but I realised when I do so, I strive to make beautiful photographs because I want other people to attach that beauty to me. I feel great when total strangers appreciate my photographs, because it feels like i've achieved something of worth; that my life has impacted even a small corner of the world. It's the same reason why I like dressing well, why I do nice things sometimes. I was reminded of a particular episode of Bleach, where one of the main characters was sucked into an alternate dimension and all memories of her was erased amongst her friends. If I left the world today, would it truly make a difference to the way the world operated? Would it make a difference to the lives of my friends? Consider this, if I got knocked down by a car today and died, you would be sad right? The crux is this, would you still remember me in 1-2 years time, after my number has been deleted from your phone and my name has been shifted into long-term memory? The point is this, if I didn't exist, the world would still be spinning and going on as per normal, with nothing having changed. There would be someone else teaching the S1 boys in church and there would be someone else being your friend, or maybe one less friend wouldn't be much of a difference, if any difference at all.

It's the same thing for love and relationships isn't it? We always wish that it could be as funny, madcap and as totally impossible as we see it in rom coms. It's really a form of escapism isn't it, where we can hide from how pathetic our own love lives are by living vicariously through the characters. You find yourself thinking "Go Hugh Grant!" or for fans of school rumble, "Baka! Stop deliberating and confess already!" When they finally get hitched, we smile and feel happy for them. It's silly isn't it? The biggest problem with that is what goes on in there is simply fantasy, it doesn't actually exist! All the characters and relationships were figments of somebody's imagination. Why are we rooting for them? The stuff I watch does often make me think about it's content though and I just want to share a rather interesting insight from school rumble, which is the most recent thing I've watched. My MSN nick translated means "The sky is always blue, but always looking at it has no use". In the context of the show, the characters are always struggling to confess to the person of their dreams. In the context of life, I think it's pretty much the same. We're always comfortable with just sitting under the tree and looking at the beautiful sky. We don't want to get sunburnt or pull a muscle by reaching for it, and thus we'll never quite get there. I don't know about you, but my own relational life has been nothing but crap. When you have feelings for someone, you either get rejected or you never get round to telling them and everything totally passes you by. When someone has feelings for you, they never tell you. Either that or like me you're too dumb to notice the overly subtle hints. I'm a person that tends to need to process things a lot, and I think on several occasions, I've missed out on opportunities because of the lack of spontaneity. Basically, I will find it tough to deal with a situation that happens suddenly, though I'm trying to correct that at present because it seems meeting lovely people happens to work like that. It's pretty often that I go home and after thinking about it, I conclude I'm an idiot. Unfortunately, that also means you're probably never going to get chance 2. Then sometimes, I don't know what the hell I'm thinking and I go and do something on impulse, which I regret immensely later. Such is the story of my idiocy. Frankly speaking, I'm rather realistic(or disillusioned), I'm just looking for someone who's slightly cute(at least), down to earth, and basically whom I can get along with. Unfortunately, I'm not popular material and so there isn't much in the way of choice. Conceivably, I think that if someone slightly cute were to ask me out, I probably would be honoured enough to accept. I think the biggest wish of guys is that girls in Singapore would be slightly more forward, the ultimate would probably be to the extent you get in movies or in media that you watch. I, for one, would be overjoyed if someone made me a bento(box meal), or whatever equivalent exists locally. It seems that in Singapore, guys wind up doing alot of the dog work in pushing for something and girls are mostly relaxing in the background. I don't remember a time when someone of the opposite gender actually did something I really appreciated outside of a relationship. Perhaps the popular guys might beg to differ. Well, at least there's always anime to take refuge in. Do genuine happy relationships still exist in the world today? Or do relationships simply last out of habit, out of responsibility, out of religious beliefs, out of fear of change?

I thought about life and religion as well and for a long time I've been mulling over this. I don't know how many of you remember my theory on Murphy's Law, but essentially I theorised that the reason why Murphy's Law worked was that we only notice when it happens. When you want it, it isn't there. When you don't want it, it's there in abundance. We often forget about the times that it's there when we want it. Murphy's Law is in essence, part of chance and is constructed by humans to explain why things don't go their way. I know this might be a rather blasphemous comparison, but I've thought about it nonetheless. Does answered prayer work the same way as Murphy's Law? Does it seem to always exist because we choose to only see the times when prayer is answered and gloss over the times when it's not? Consider this as well, what is the point of prayer if God only answers prayer that is according to his will? If we do not pray, will his will not still be done? After the 40 DOP session, I remember most vividly that we were created for God's pleasure. If you think about the whole purpose of life, we simply strive and fight to live in order to keep fighting to live, what are we living for? Are we simply some interactive soap opera for God? Isn't everything we do kind of like part of the God edition of the Sims? It's kind of like you taking pleasure in watching rom coms, which I'm sure exist somewhere around the world. If you were God, watching the world would be better than having 500 channels of cable. You'd have violence in Somalia, you'd have drama in Broadway. You could desire to watch anything and it would all be available somewhere around the world. Was the reason God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply to increase his cable channels? Are we indeed created for God's entertainment? I can think of no other purpose for existence. Alternatively, it could be a test from God to filter out who he doesn't want in Heaven. If it's a test, that would explain how horrible life is.

It's a chore to be alive isn't it? Doing your best so you can continue to do your best. Helping others so that you can feel like you've accomplished something and made your mark in someone's life. Wouldn't it have been better if the human race simply ended at Adam and Eve, should God have said, "Adam, you lousy wretch, I shall now destroy you and your wife Eve." After watching Gantz, which is a splendid portrait of human society today, I decided beyond a doubt that society is rather self-serving. Why does one serve the Lord, so one can gain recognition from the Lord(storing up treasures in heaven, better status in heaven maybe) and maybe from fellow church members. Why does one make sacrifices? So one can fulfill their hero complex. Agape love(or unconditional love) DOES NOT EXIST in this world. God might possibly be the only one capable of giving it, for humans are always self-serving, whether conscious or not. Why do Christians love the world, so they can bring the world to Christ, so they can be obedient to Christ. WHY WHY? So the Lord will say, "Good and faithful servant, you shall be entrusted with more". Are we not serving ourselves?

At the same time, I can't help thinking there must be some good thing in life, that I will miss when I pass on, that I will remember in old age(should I reach there), that I want God to delay the 2nd coming for. I remember when Mian Yi was getting married, we were talking about the 2nd coming and he said he hoped God would delay the 2nd coming until after his marriage. So at that time I concluded that what must be the best thing in life would be love. All my life, I don't remember there ever being a time when I've been truly happy. There's probably not a single person on this earth that knows the true me. I have a split personality, in some sense. All of you have met the wacky Tim that you know and love. The other Tim thinks too much and writes these blog entries. If you befriended the other Tim you would be absorbing a lot of depressive energy, which is why you will always see the wacky Tim. Maybe I've just never been content. Maybe I'm just looking for somebody that will accept Schizo Tim and not just wacky Tim who couldn't give a shit about responsibility. I've had all my physical needs met, which conceivably should make me more content that a hungry African child, but that just leaves me room to think about the more important needs in life. I even tried looking for happiness in Christ, for some time, but that resulted in an increase in my usefulness via service and increased my sense of belonging to a family unit. It made my life mean something, but it didn't make me happier. I dated this year, to try and fill the gap, but that wasn't really what I was looking for either. Maybe it was just the wrong person, but then you know in looking for the right person you wind up hurting others. That's kinda stupid, my depressiveness shouldn't transfer, it should be contained. If you're not happy, the important thing is to not let it make others unhappy, that's the only responsible thing to do. For instance, if you've got an infectious disease but want to mix with others, you'd need to put a bubble around yourself to prevent others from being infected. Alternatively, you don't mix with them at all.

Secretly, everyone probably carries their own inner demons, would we ever be able to conquer it? I for one, am curious to find out if there's anything present in life that would make it worth living for. Is there anything in this world(or out of it) that can provide happiness, true happiness? Bible verses are cool, but they're more useful for teaching others rather than comforting others. Personally, I've never really been comforted by the Word at an emotional level. It's more of an intellectual level, where you say "Hey, here's what God says. Hmm maybe I've been approaching it the wrong way. Maybe I've been thinking about it the wrong way." Then you try changing your thought patterns, habit patterns, and you still find out all roads lead to Rome. Fundamentally, it doesn't solve anything. Am I bitter? I honestly can't say, but I'm quite tired of seeking out the good in life when I'm not sure any exists in the first place(but i've only been searching 19 years, still it's a quarter of a life time and I've not made much progress. I need to go somewhere else other than Rome, it's not the destination I'm looking for). I'm afraid i'm probably just going to find how to make life more livable until death, this is 'Rome' btw. Death, the blissful state of nothingness, would I regret having been alive? I haven't been dead before, so I can't say if it's better. The problem is if you die and you find out life is better, you can't change your mind can you?

Possibly, you might find happiness in heaven, but that's outside of life.